UPDATE To Looking For Love In All Of The Wrong Places Part 2. Grieving The Loss Of A Loved One.
This is yesterday's blog post.
This UPDATE is to provide more clarity to this statement from yesterday's blog:
"I am still unclear if i was wishing to feel or hoping to behave in a selfless manner. I am still asking myself what my reward system was for that behavior."
It refers to: "The domestic abuse pattern in my life appears to stem from my wishing to prove my selfless my love. When i thought I was helping someone I loved, and they were abusive in response, I seemed to have internalized their abuse as a normal by-product of their illness and as an acceptable way to prove my love and devotion to them, during their time of need."
The Unresolved Feelings Remained After Yesterday's Post.
After continuing to pray over my situation and the realizations that i have made recently, I discovered the following. 1. This belief has infected many areas of my life. 2. I finally understand why I created this belief in the first place. 3. I finally understand why it infected so many areas of my life, in such a meaningful manner. 4. This belief spearheaded the destruction of happiness in my life.
As I continued to pray over my healing, by asking God to please heal this area of my heart, I noticed an image in my mind's eye. The image was that of a planted tree with roots extending very wide and very far. The tree was barren, dead and cracking apart.
This Belief Has Infected Many Areas Of My Life.
As I continued with my questions regarding my past, regarding this event, and regarding my love life, my mind's eye kept focusing on the root system and not on the lifeless tree above ground. My interpretation is that over the years this belief has extended itself to touch all areas of my life. The thoughts of leaving New York City came to mind. I felt great sadness leaving NYC. My nice things were packed in a storage facility in a rush as i headed to go and take care of my grandmother. I have not had the opportunity to go back. I felt as if i had sacrificed a piece of myself, and my happiness in order to go and do my duty.
After I destroyed the belief a few nights ago, I realized that there were other events linked to this belief. A network of events connecting pain, regret, guilt, sadness, and self sacrifice began to emerge.
I Finally Understand Why I Created This Belief In The First Place
By internalizing my grandmother's pain and suffering, I was able to create a vehicle that would keep me directly connected to her once she passed. This vehicle allowed me to create a connection, from which i could still feel her presence in me, even after she was gone.
In my life-altering-emotional-state of grief, my subconscious made the choice to create this vehicle (a torture bridge), instead of grieving her passing and letting her go in a healthy manner. This vehicle was the belief that if I internalize abuse by people i love, who are ill (this is an important condition), I will then feel the connection to her love.
Right before her passing, my grandmother expressed her deep sadness at not being able to see, hug, touch, feel, and kiss a child of mine. Is it a coincidence that i have been refused by the courts to lovingly raise my child? Is this somehow connected to some subconscious promise that i made to her? Is realizing this going to destroy those promises and allow for justice to finally be carried out in my custody case? Only time will tell.
I Finally Understand Why This Belief Infected So Many Areas Of My Life
My Love For Her Was So Great That I Sacrificed Myself During Her Passing.
Without a doubt, after her passing, my life took a 90o turn and then another 90o turn when I met the father of my child. Prior to her passing, I had a very comfortable lifestyle, one that i have not enjoyed in almost a decade.
I began making choices that stunted my career and chose to retire shortly there after. I recall a period of grief where i began to make choices to push certain people out of my life. Slowly, i began the entire destruction of my happiness. In hindsight, i can now clearly see how i began to construct a life of pain and suffering in order to make this torture bridge a permanent reality.
After All Of This Introspection, What Have I Learned?
My capacity for love is vast and infinite. I am capable of loving with intense fervor and unwavering dedication. My question to God as a child was answered thru this experience. My NYC religious studies professor was right.
I am now aware of the intensity with which God loves us. I am proof that all human beings are capable of digging themselves out of any situation. God has given us such amazing powers. We have the power to choose happiness, life, health, joy, abundance, etc., or we have the power to choose chaos and destruction.
Whatever choice we make, this is what our reality will be.
I have learned that i loved my grandmother more than my own life. I have learned that if we are not careful with God's word, we can corrupt the most sincere and beautiful of love felt and received.
I have learned that for some reason I only felt safe with her. I am not sure when this bond was created, but when i chose to make that bond, her passing meant I would never be safe again. I then began making choices to prove to myself that I was right. Once she passed, all of my life had to end with her.
I realize that as she passed, i felt as if i had been abandoned. I realize I felt that no one on earth would replace her protection. I realize this fear is what bound me to that torture bridge of pain. Apparently, only thru pain and suffering, was i able to be protected by her love.
I realize the need to feel her passing as a healthy event in my life. I can now celebrate her life instead of being destroyed by her passing. I realize that i am not alone. I realize that i was unwilling to let her go. I realize that destroying my life is not a healthy way to feel her love. I realize that torturing myself is not a healthy connection to her memory. I realize that living a life of pain and suffering will not keep her love alive in me. I realize that her memory and her love continues to live in me everyday. I realize that because all she ever did was protect me and love me, she would not want me to be unhappy and in pain. I realize that in order to truly honor her memory, I will be happy. I realize that feeling safe again is a healthy way to keep her memory alive. I realize that I can choose to keep her warm loving memories in a positive part of my soul. I realize that feeling sorrow and destroying my life is not a healthy way to keep her here with me. I realize that my grandfather's passing is another event which damaged me tremendously. I realize that her passing was unbearable at the time, but it doesn't have to be today. I realize that i can love her everyday thru my happiness.
Our Subconscious Talks To Us. Can We Learn To Listen? How Do We Decipher The Messages?
Last night my dreams were peaceful, full of life and fun. I compared this night's sleep with the past dreams where I could see my grandmother and grandfather clearly. In those dreams i felt dread, guilt and anger at not being able to understand their words. I remember dreaming about them both consistently right before I met the father of my child. (At least 2-4 times per week!) This constant stream of dreams with my grandparents has continued. I clearly remember the dreams becoming more frequent right before meeting the father of my child.
I was not able to understand that the dreams seemed to be a warning system of some kind? Is it possible that my subconscious tried to warn me of the danger ahead? Is this even possible? In my case, I attributed the dreams and meeting this man as a way of knowing that the right man had arrived into my life.
The Devil Enters Our Lives In Any Way That We Allow.
I had no idea that the devil had just showed up at my door and i had not only welcomed him with open arms, but i took him in and had offered him my soul on a silver platter.
Any severe emotional trauma, (in my case there is the passing of my grandfather, the passing of my grandmother, leaving NYC, the rape i suffered in 2013, the countless times the father of my child attempted to end my life, the countless court hearings, the corrupt courts and corrupt agencies unwilling to punish civil servants, and ultimately the illegal removal of my infant by the corrupt courts in NM) has the potential to rip open my soul.
During this process I have the choice of becoming stronger thru His strength by being a prisoner of faith, as i face the challenges, or i can buckle and choose chaos and destruction. I make the choice.
I can understand how the devil saw an open door that I held open and went right in to destroy and to take over my entire life. The devil accomplished this thru my lack of understanding bundled with grief and fears.
I also believe that steadfast, stringent, merciless devotion to God and His word will not only evict the devil from my life, but will cause redemption and restoration to take place, no matter what has been destroyed.
It is my beliefs dearly held in my heart that determine my life, and not the life circumstances themselves. These beliefs can be created and destroyed at will.
What I Declare For Myself and My Life.
I declare that those promises made during my grandmother's passing (and any other emotionally traumatizing event) are unhealthy and keep me from achieving what they were meant to create in my life. (Be it security, safety, protection, feelings of love)
I declare that the sole purpose for their creation was as a means for me to feel love and a connection to my grandmother after her passing. Instead, these emotional torture bridges are self descriptive. Because they do not accomplish what they were intended for, they had to be destroyed and replaced with beliefs that do accomplish the purpose.
I declare that i deserve a healthy, loving, supportive, and loyal romantic relationship and that i deserve to have my child with me.
Moving Forward, Always Forward.
As a rational human being, i am clear that reality is cemented on facts and the present. If all of this spiritual growth, all of this understanding of my beliefs, how they were created, why they were created, what purpose they served and how i'm destroying them are actually factual, does this mean that the self inflicting trauma regarding my custody case will have to be resolved immediately because i no longer believe that i must hurt in order to feel my late grandmother's love and her protection?
How soon after i publish this post will my custody case be reported by the national news as a plea for help to change federal law inside family courtrooms? And how soon after i publish this post will Gerard Lavelle AND Debra Ramirez be taken into custody for child abuse, abuse of power, obstruction of justice, excessive punishment, perjury, libel, defamation and verbal assault?
Loss Of A Loved One.
If you or someone that you know has lost a loved one, please reach out for help. I too believed that her passing was normal event and that i had not been affected. It is 10 years later that I am realizing the psychological impact this single event had in my life.
My church has a Loss Of A Loved One classes. Therapy might also be an option.
Here are the posts that this thread is based on:
Sign my petition at Change.Org
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