Blessed Are They That Mourn: For They Shall Be Comforted. -Matthew 5:4. Easter Week. Healing Traumat
One Week of Easter at ALFC.
With Easter celebrations at my church beginning on Monday, (4 days away) I began to make a list of the items that came up as unresolved emotional pain. The list is based on the recent posts that I have published this week. Blog1 Blog2 & Blog3
Starting Monday, my church will be hosting evening fasting services. Monday thru Thursday, prayer service will start at 6:00pm. There will also be Friday, Saturday, and Sunday services. The Wednesday service is also on schedule at 7:00pm.
Prayer List for Easter Week Fasting.
Being the list-type-of-person that i am, my lists initially included my family members and their needs. When that list was completed, I began a personal list. In the past I have always prayed for guidance, wisdom, to heal my heart, to open my eyes to my transgressions, etc. This is the first time that I thought about making a specific list for my own needs.
My list quickly emerged. I noticed the items on the list were the items from my prior blogs. My list items included prayer to accept forgiveness in my heart, for the decisions and choices that i've made since my grandmother passed. Also included on my list was, prayer for finding clarity regarding other harmful beliefs that I may have created throughout my life. After this second item I then added the prayer, to find the scripture, the wisdom, the support system, and the strength to face those events again and heal them. Finally, I will pray for restoration as I forgive myself for the creation of those harmful beliefs.
These Posts Have Stirred Up Something In My Life, For Sure.
This week has been one of serious introspection and hopefully healing as well. The first thing that i noticed was that my mother was busier than normal. (Remember, I live with my parents.) I wanted her counsel on my blogs. Normally, I read them to her and she provides me input, prior to posting.
This week, she was gone during the day and in the evening handling different items on her to-do list. My blogs ended up posted without her input. (We are only 6 weeks away from the transfer)
Without thinking much about my mother's new found busyness, there was an incident yesterday, involving another family member. The severity of the incident was such, that I texted my service leader at my church to say that i may not be able to keep my volunteer commitment that evening.
This was the second time that a serious incident with the same family member happened, at the same time when I had plans to be somewhere. A feeling in my heart of "this is not coincidence. Take a look at what else in my heart is now ready to be healed within me" began to overtake my thinking. This is why, for the first time, I made a list to pray for myself this Easter, along with the normal family and friends list.
I Decided To Go Ahead And Find The Major Changes In My Life Surrounding My Grandfather's Passing?
As I looked at my list, i had my grandfather's passing on it at the top. If my grandmother's passing had affected my love life, what had been affected during my grandfather's passing. The connection immediately came to mind, my work.
During the time that my grandfather was hospitalized, I asked for time off from work. I had been recruited by the phone company and had been working there since graduating college. Both, my supervisor and her manager above her, had denied my requests. I was working 12 hour shifts and there was no one to cover my work.
My grandfather lay in the hospital for days before passing. During this time i kept going higher and higher in the management chain looking for someone to approve my time off; to no avail. Then the call came in when i was at work. My cousin let me know that my grandfather had been asking for me for days. He had just passed.
As i hung up the phone, i gathered my things and walked out of my job. This would be the last time that i worked as a full time employee for a company, any company, for any length of time. I began consulting work.
I called a woman that i had recorded a TV commercial with earlier that summer (I used to model). She had offered me a job at her company. I asked her if she still wanted to hire me. She asked what had happened at the phone company. Told her the story of my grandfather's passing. She agreed that she still had the position open, however, the salary was much lower now because she had taken up a new set of projects.
After working for her for almost one year, and helping her open additional branches to her business, we disagreed on a pay increase. I made the decision to leave the state and I opened my own marketing and modeling agency in Texas.
Emotionally Charged Traumatic Events Have The Capacity To Alter The Person's Entire Life Experience, Forever.
This is true, at least for me. As i began to recall the events surrounding my grandfather's passing, i began to see a pattern, just like i had seen surrounding my grandmother's passing (blog).
This time, the creation of damaging beliefs all surrounded my employers and how they disregarded me as a human being.
Now that i had two solid examples of how highly emotional traumatic events had impacted a great part of my life, I thought about continuing to go back thru my life. As i did this, immediately the next event came to mind. (I keep using the word immediately because i do not know how else to describe who this process is happening in my mind.)
In my mind's eye i recalled an event when i was 18 years old. Just as the prior 2 events, with this event i could clearly see a distinct break in my life. After this event, my romantic partners all cheated on me. (This is another blog)
My Subconscious Rose To The Defense? WTFondue?
During this time of introspection, which seems to be happening rather quickly, several people whom i love dearly confronted me with some serious observations.
One of my dearly beloveds recently asked, "If I accepted so much physical abuse from the father of my child, why would i not be accepting at other forms of abuse that i've encountered recently?" Another dearly beloved asked, "If i have made so many mistakes in my life, why am i so worried about living a better life now?" Yet another comment was, "Why don't i see that these comments are being said to me because they love me and they are all worried about me?"
The onslaught did not end there. The conversation extended to my church, my personal life, the personal information that i am sharing online, my blog business, my income, and pretty much every area of my life. (I am sharing with the hopes of helping others. I do not feel shame sharing my mistakes. The reader has the choice to judge me or to learn from what i share.)
As i sat motionless listening, I was asked if i had anything to say. I replied, "I wish to express my sadness at the topic of conversation. Apparently my choices in life, both past and present seem to be disappointing to you. If i am such a disappointment to you, i apologize for failing to meet your expectations. Please know that i will not judge your past and i do not feel it is appropriate to shame you for your current decisions. If you believe that i deserve to be shamed, made to feel guilty, and reminded of how my life is in chaos, in order for me to realize just how much you love me, then i don't see much of a difference between my past mistakes and how you're treating me now. Thank you for expressing your love in the best way that you know how. Moving forward, I do not give you permission to speak to anyone, including me, regarding my past and will not participate in another similar judgmental conversation again, regarding my current choices or my past."
We agreed to respect each other, in love.
After The Above Mentioned Conversation, Last Night I Decided To Continue On My Path To Address The Mourning Of My Grandparents. This Is How My Sleep Was Affected.
I Google'd Scriptures for Loss of A Loved One. I prayed and fell asleep.
To my surprise, last night i had another one of those grandmother dreams where i am inside of her house, picking up things, cleaning, watering the garden, folding linens, cooking, etc (Ex. Activities that are distorted a bit. Sometimes i have wings and fly over her rose bushes, sometimes i am a small child and sometimes i am inside the home invisible. No one inside can see me.)
However two things deviated in this dream from the norm. First, my mother was in the dream (rushing me, telling me what to pack and what to leave behind) and secondly my grandmother was walking, dancing, and singing. I could hear the music and her beautiful voice. She looked healthy and happy. When my grandmother appeared in my dream, my mother vanished from the house.
My grandmother asked me to cook something for her. As I went into the kitchen, I passed my grandfather's old bedroom. In all of my dreams, this area is always dark and isolated, without furniture. It is displayed as an empty and cold space. My happy, sunny dream took a sudden turn into nightfall with shadows cast inside.
When i was in the kitchen, one of the kitchen walls was missing. In its place there was a door. My grandfather's bed was inside that new room. I walked closer to the door and saw him on his bed gasping for breath. (My grandfather died of asthma complications.) As i noticed his difficulty breathing, i noticed his skin tone and his face. His features were distorted and i became frightened. As i walked back, keeping my eyes on him, I said, "You're not my grandfather". The man leapt off the bed and in one jump tried to attack me. I stood still and closed my eyes.
Suddenly, somehow, i was back in the sitting room gathering purses. All sorts of purses were laying around. (I used to own a large collection of couture handbags.) I saw my old collection all tattered and torn. I was gathering them and hanging them all on me. My mother reappeared in the dream and rushed me to leave.
As i was locking up the house, i noticed one of the door locks (unusually large) with an unusually large key (two-foot metal key), was not bolting. The door came off the hinges and my mother helped me put it back up. The door was painted blue and it began to disintegrate into dust. We heard people approaching with torches. My mother grabbed some of the purses and my hand. She pulled us out of the house. We approached a small blue car and my dream ended as the mob neared. (My grandmother never had a blue door but my parents do own a different color blue small car.)
However, I still did not wake up after this dream ended. Instead, I was transported to a restaurant with live music. The man singing began speaking to me regarding my love life. I could not understand all of his words. I then woke up to my cat's whiskers on my face ticking me as she purred. (My 17-Year old cat still behaves like a kitten!)
Could the prayers have stirred my subconscious guilt regarding my grandfather's passing? His passing was over 2 decades ago. Yet, the guilt clearly continues to manifest in my dreams today.
My heart is feeling lighter as i share this information. So, i will continue to do so with the hopes of helping someone else avoid my mistakes of living two decades with suppressed guilt.
It is incredible to learn and understand (from my experience) how the guilt (or any emotion) coupled with the beliefs created during a traumatic and emotionally charged event, will haunt my dreams and will remain in my subconscious, decades after the event.
There Are True Reasons For Concern. The Father Of My Child's History, Mine, And The Courts Siding With Him.
My dearly beloveds have reason to be concerned. You see, since i've never done a drug in my life, i've never smoked, i rarely drink, i don't go out at night, i volunteer at my church, i have a master's level education, i don't have a long list of romantic partners, and my father holds a prestigious position in the US, the father of my child has constantly accused me of not being mentally stable. (Nothing else to accuse me of.)
Our backgrounds are opposites. While he is a self medicating, alcoholic that continues to chase barely legal young girls to this day, there is also the fact that he was investigated by the FBI and barely escaped; thru more pulling of strings? A close friend of his, with whom he had 'business' dealings, was sentenced to federal prison for fraud against the federal government. He's been arrested for serious crimes in all of the states that he's ever lived and has sued all of his prior employers, for 'discrimination'. Some of the companies, J&J, Cyberonics, and an investment financial firm, all settled out of court.
This man clearly learned that making false allegations yielded him a way to manipulate the system. No one wants to spend the money to defend themselves against subjective false allegations. The only result of all court battles is to ceaselessly drag innocent people's name thru the mud. (I've had no choice. I am dealing with custody of my child. The case has destroyed my name and i've been driven bankrupt over it.)
Even if his criminal past and his work history were not so tainted with such activity, there is also the fact that he suffers from a brain tumor in his frontal lobe. Then, there is also the long list of suicide attempts, plus his severe depression for over two decades. Yet, this man began his tirade of accusations against me, someone who had never had legal problems in all of my life (until meeting him) and have never suffered from any type of disorder. On the contrary, i have been blessed with perfect health all of my life.
The courts decided to ignore this man's psychiatric results, which some were read on the record. The number of red flags, were many. Then, despite the many years of psychiatric testing, psychological testing, medical examinations, psychological observations, all concluding the same, that there is nothing wrong with me, on the contrary, that i demonstrate resilience against stress, the courts have refused to treat me with a single shred of dignity.
Instead, at the last court hearing, the judge was so abusive during the entire hearing, that he called me every name that you can imagine, refused me the right to defend myself, and refused me the right to speak at all as he berated me nonstop. I was called an infectious disease of society. I was told that i am not allowed to speak, because all i do is spew vitriol. I was name called during the entire hearing as the judge seemed to have a mental breakdown on the stand attacking me. (This is public information, recorded at the hearing. Even if much of the recording is redacted, the insults made it onto the paper court minute order.)
All of that said, it is due to the false allegations made against me by the father of my child, that my beloveds are concerned that my posts will be misinterpreted and ultimately used against me in court.
My persective is that the courts have demonstrated zero respect for the law and have violated my civil rights and those of my child, since the case was illegally accepted in New Mexico, when we were ALL (Including the father of my child) TX residents. These judges will not follow the law, no matter what the circumstances. Read my petition here.
Therefore, my position is that i will not allow the devil to continue destroying my ability to move forward. I will not allow the devil to continue destroying my ability to help someone with my story and I believe in my Father God's position above all in this world. That said, i will continue posting because this is what i feel in my heart, is the right thing to do.
The Purpose of Sharing My Story Is With The Hope Of Bringing More Souls To Feel God's Grace. Dr. Mordecai & Duck Dynasty
Last night Pastor Shannon shared this story. You see, what Dr. Mordecai saw as a failure of only one conversion to Christ, for his weeks of daily work, turned into one of the world's greatest blessings that Christianity has had in this generation. That one convert ended up being the great Billy Graham.
To clarify, I don't see myself as Billy Graham or as Dr. Mordecai. My hope is that by sharing these very personal stories of how i am healing my own life, thru my own love of God and His word, that my story will help someone come back to God's love.
Again to clarify, i'm not saying that my personal story of healing will find the next Billy Graham. What i am saying, is that i can understand how so much work and effort is worth it, when even one single person finds salvation.
Another wonderful story i would like to share is Duck Dynasty's Willie Robertson. I saw him speak in El Paso, TX during GetMotivated!'s recent convention. He spoke regarding his father's conversion.
His mother took the children out of state and left his father. Someone took Willie's father to church. Willie's father found Christ. The rest is history. It is an awe inspiring story of God's love for us, no matter how lost we've been. Redemption and restoration of one man's life has affected millions across the world in a positive way. (I'm not talking about duck calling sales here. LOL)
Again, I am not comparing myself to Willie or to his father. I am however hoping to be compared to the man who invited Willie's father to church.
Moving Forward, Always Forward.
It is my hope that my story will help someone feeling like the whole world is against you, like there is no way out, like there is nothing left to live for or like the current situation will never end.
No matter what your circumstances are, no matter what you're facing, no matter if you feel all alone, please know that you are not alone, that your circumstances can change and that help is within reach. Make the decision to look for help. Make the decision to change your life. Make the decision to change your way of seeing those around you.
When you change your perspective, life can look a lot more beautiful. What are you grateful for today?
These are the reasons why i am listening to my heart and continuing to publish these posts, in God's Mighty Name.
Sign my petition at Change.Org
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