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Romans 12:2 Be Transformed By The Renewing Of Your Mind.

The Purpose For Sharing The Very Detailed Progress Of This Emotional Healing Path, Is To Provide An Accurate Map Or A Complete Picture Of My Personal Journey.

This is the fifth blog of this series. Here are the first four blogs: blog1, blog2, blog3 and blog4. They explain why I began writing about facing, acknowledging and logically rationalizing the negative impact those belief systems had on my life, for decades. I apparently created those belief systems during highly emotional events. I have come to understand how these events shaped my life, in a detrimental way. This is the story of how I am destroying those beliefs, replacing them, and learning how to create a new set of healthy belief systems.

My Attempts At Ending This Series Were Unsuccessful.

What I mean by this statement is that after the conversation mentioned in blog4, I decided to publish blog 4, but end the series. However, during this past week I've had a total of 4 dreams with my grandparents. In blog3, I mention how right before I met the father of my child, I was dreaming about my grandmother and her house, 3-4 times per week. (This has been the single most ruinous event of my life.) Read my petition here.

In blog4, I shared that I had 2 different emotional dreams within a few days. When i had another dream two nights ago, I decided to take notes, not blog about it and move away from the subject. This decision changed today, after having my 4th dream last night. That is a total of 4 very vivid dreams with my grandparents and their home, in one week. Therefore, the decision to continue this series has been reconsidered. (For those who have not read the first 4 blogs, the most cataclysmic life-altering event, of my life, happened when I was having these emotional dreams.)

Highly Emotional Trauma Seems Tightly Intertwined With My Dreams And My Subconscious.

Completely working thru and processing the emotional suffering felt from my grandparent's death appears to be a task that is going to take more than 4 blogs. Does this surprise anyone?

The primary reason why i chose to continue with this series of posts is because i did not want to give the impression that I was claiming to have been completely healed after a few days of making some important realizations, where I replaced emotion with logic, and after a few days of verbalizing God's Word. Secondly because of the 4 vivid dreams in one week.

To be clear, I was going to continue with the introspection, but I was not going to share it online anymore. I understand that a few days were not going to be enough to completely replace the old belief systems based on emotional trauma. Replacing the old belief systems that caused decades worth of self destructive choices with a new set of healthy belief systems is an ongoing work in progress. However, the focus on logic versus high emotion did change my life perspective immediately. This in turn has allowed me to feel some level of healing from the first day.

The single reason for mentioning my dreams is that apparently for me, this seems to be a window into how my subconscious is processing my emotions.

Some Of My Personality Characteristics Appear To Be Based On Emotional Trauma.

I opened my mind to the possibility that my personality (possibly much of it) has been formed thru a chain link of traumatic events throughout my life. Could this statement be applied to the general population? Do we all, as a human species (regardless of socio-economic background, religious beliefs, geography, cultural background, etc.), form our personalities out of a chain link of events based on personal emotional trauma? If we all share the same manner in which our personalities are formed, does this mean that we have more in common than not?

Can this single thread connecting us be an effective insight into how we see each other and therefore do so with more empathy? If this is a possibility, will this insight allow the human race to be more kind to each other? We all have the power to decide with how much empathy we treat each other.

Easter Prayer Week And Fast At My Church. Did Prayer Influence The Next Two Dreams?

My church is holding prayer night every night this week. Some of us are choosing to fast as well. Last night's prayer was led by Pastor Shannon. During her prayer and during praise and worship i felt shock waves thru my system. (I am not sure if there is any scientific research conducted on these types of events, but science could benefit from a thorough investigation into wave patterns, brain activity in general, and people's physiological reactions to these types of events.)

I know my body quite well. While i am aware of the goosebumps that raise to all of their might when Shavon sings, or when certain songs are sang at my church, it was unusual for me to have felt goosebumps most of the evening.

I fervently prayed for my loved ones and for the first time, ever, i prayed for myself. (I wrote about my list on blog4). My prayers were for wisdom, joy, happiness, health, wealth, Grace, love, and at the end i cried about my custody case. I asked for the ability to forgive myself for what is being done to my child and my accountability in the situation. I prayed for restoration, redemption and immediate resolution, in God's name. I even asked for a man of God to come into my life. (Only an exceptional man of God would be able to financially and emotionally handle my current situation.)

Scientific Definition Of Dreams.

Because I am aware that scientific evidence suggests that dreams are the means by which the human brain processes memories and weaves in the day's activities into long term memory, i will maintain my position with the accepted scientific definition. Scientific American

My recent dream activity, therefore, could be attributed to the amount of emphasis that I've been recently placing on my grandparents' passing. For the purpose of continuing to share this emotional healing journey, I will continue to post the content of my dreams and how i felt afterwards.

Last Two Dreams Involving My Grandparents.

Two nights ago, the dream included the same home as in the last dream I had. (This seemed to be a continuation of that prior dream.) In my dreams, sometimes her home is in different shapes. The rooms are in different places than they were in real life. Some rooms are missing, and other rooms are added. The home itself shifts a lot from dream to dream. The one constant is the home on the plot of land.

In this last dream, something unique appeared. In the dream two nights ago, the property looked the same. The same fence was around the property. The rose bushes were in the same area of the front yard. The entrance gate was in the same location. The layout of the property in general looked the same. The neighbors lots also looked the same. The difference was there was no more house. This is the first time that i dream about my grandparents' home and there is no house.

When I looked at the plot of land from above (I was floating above the property), there was a black rectangle where the home used to be. I could feel the wind, and smell the flowers and wet dirt after an afternoon rain, but there was a solid black rectangle that seemed to evade the wind. It did not look like a black hole sucking things in. Instead, the home looked like it had somehow been photoshoped.

I then remember flying around the entire black rectangle, to find an opening to look inside from a different angle. There was no visibility. As i reached the 360o circle of the property, i noticed a dog from the neighbors property cross into my grandmother's property thru what looked like a tear in the fence. (This is not realistic, but I went along with the dream.)

The dog disappeared into the black rectangle. I felt upset enough that i woke up from this dream. I took notes and fell back asleep.

Last night's dream came after an intense prayer at my church on Monday night.

Two Nights In A Row I Dreamed About My Grandparents.

All of the dreams that I've had with my grandparents had always included me in their home. Two nights ago, the home was photoshoped (for lack of a better description) out of my dream. Then, in this dream, the entire property was gone.

When i remember the dream beginning, i was walking from my grandmother's property down the street to my uncle's property. (Her youngest son purchased the corner lot, 2 houses down.) I did not look back to my grandmother's home. I was only focused on reaching my uncle's home. My grandmother was waiting for me inside his house.

As I walked down the street, i found myself transported into another dream. In this dream inside of a dream I was in someone else's home. There was no running water and no electricity inside this home. There was no front door and the floor was made out of cement. I felt cold. As i looked around, i then woke up from this dream inside of a dream and my grandmother was looking over me smiling. I immediately felt warm and loved. As i reached for her beautiful smiling face, I woke up in my bed feeling loved.

My Interpretation Of My Subconscious Communicating Thru My Dreams.

During yesterday's service I prayed for wisdom on how to move forward in healing. Last night I did not have another grandparent dream again.

Last night's dream involved unresolved emotions regarding my love life. The dream included me being on a military type of vessel, out at sea and walking away from that relationship.

I am willing to follow my string of dreams. The next blog post will be on self-respect, respect for others, and owning the responsibilities for one's actions. (Dalai Lama's 3 RES.) This best sums up the reasons why I have ended all of my romantic relationships. I am now willing to look at the men that i have chosen. Have I chosen them with specific personality traits in order to be disappointed?

Moving Forward, Always Forward.

I Can Choose To Ignore My Past And The Belief Systems That Continue To Be Responsible For My Poor Choices, Leading To Chaos In My Life, Or I Can Choose To Set Pride Aside And Address Them Now. I Choose To Address Them Now.

While many have healed themselves thru a plethora of paths, my current path is clear, my God and His Word. This is my journey now. This is my story today.

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