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Spiritual Abuse from Church

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For my friends that have known me for a long time know that since I was a young child, I’ve been involved in a church of some sort, most of my life. As I’ve gone thru life, I’ve had a Catholic priest loose his mind as I questioned Genesis. I asked him regarding the different Eves and different Adams created. (I have a blog on SOME of the questions I asked him.) I had my ridiculous experience at the Kabbalah Center in NYC. Utterly ridiculous waste of tens of thousands of dollars only to be kicked out of the center and to be PHYSICALLY attacked by one of the teachers: hello crazy, fat, red headed Ruthie, who hates all that are not Jews. I’ve read many Bibles from different denominations and I’ve researched ancient religions for most of my life. Most recently I left the El Paso church- Abundant Living Faith Center because church leadership refused to discipline a 50 some year old mentally unstable woman who became verbally abusive to me. Her husband had been unfaithful during their marriage and apparently she never overcame the infidelity. NOT MY FAULT HER HUSBAND CHEATED ON HER. NOT MY FAULT SHE IS NOT A GOOD CHRISTIAN. SHE IS A WOMAN WHO REFUSES TO FORGIVE HER OWN HUSBAND.  The woman is a heavy tither to the church and even though I volunteered excessively, church leadership took her side and told me the woman would NOT be disciplined for having stalked me, harassed me, bullied me, and almost physically attacked me INSIDE of the church. To this day, she runs around calling everyone she doesn’t like, “they’re possessed by the devil.” She may wish to consider that SHE is the one possessed by the devil, since she sees the devil everywhere. (With this church enabling her.) The problem was that she thought her husband found me attractive. I did nothing wrong. My looks is what she found offensive. After 10 years, I left that church too. Since then, I’ve not been able to find a new church. As time has gone by, I am happy to be out of churches now. After the Abundant Living Faith Center scandal, I tried to find a new church home. However, every new church I tried, showed the same pattern. I would show up to service and immediately had the single men flock to me while some of the married men showed FEAR to even look at me. The single women usually ignored me. While most of the married women behaved like bitchy, evil, cats looking at me like they wanted to scratch my eyes out. So, I stopped trying after noticing a pattern and understanding the following truths. I am creating this post because of a video that I watched. The woman is a lesbian, giving her views on homosexuality and the church. Her video reminded me about my church experiences, so, I decided to make this topic today’s Saturday class.

Points: 1. This beautiful woman is a lesbian. The video was her story and her views of her church in regards to homosexuality. 2. She prefaces by saying that homosexuality is a sin according to Romans and Leviticus. She is self imposing horrible judgment upon herself immediately as she begins her 45 minute video. I understand her because I too self imposed horrible judgement upon myself by considering the constant pattern of hate I found at churches against me. 

It had to be something I was doing, right? Was it how I was dressed? Was it my makeup? Was it my hair? I tried changing everything about myself to see if I could find a new church where the same dynamic didn’t unfold. Nothing changed. Nothing mattered. Since I refuse to be shamed for my beauty and I refuse to marry, I have stopped looking for a church home. I finally realized that self imposing shame for my beauty, for my body or for the fact that I am single is not what God would want for my life. God doesn’t see me like those people at church saw me. They are wrong. Not God. I am a good woman who happens to be attractive and who happens to be single. There’s no shame in my life. There’s no shame in my looks. There’s no shame in my behavior. There’s no shame in me wanting to stay single. The shame is theirs and theirs alone for how they unjustly bullied me and treated me. 3. At som point in my life, somehow I began to believe that God was IN a building. It has taken these experiences for me to understand that God is NOT in a building. God is in ME. 4. Somewhere, somehow I also began to believe that church is where the righteous people are. 

HA! Hilarious! BROKEN people are attracted to churches. People looking for help. People looking to be saved. People with problems. People with diseases. People with crumbling marriages. People with drug addiction, prostitution, alcoholism, etc. Those in most need and those who are most broken are the ones who usually flock to churches. The insecure. The ones looking for acceptance. The ones looking for love. As I recalled my life’s journey inside churches, besides the pastors, I was one of the VERY FEW individuals inside of churches looking to give OF myself TO my community. Rare and I mean RARE were the people like me who just wanted to give back to the community and share our vision of the Word. My passion for learning was only equaled by the pastors. So, most people I interacted with, went to church to TAKE something from the church or to feel whole. 

Few of us went just to GIVE. Those types of places (churches) are not for me. Soup kitchens, and volunteer organizations is where I belong. Places and organizations strictly based on giving. Organizations where those who show up, don’t do so with their hands stretched out looking for handouts. I didn’t go to church to belong, to be loved, to be healed, to find a husband, to find myself, etc, like most everyone else. My sole purpose for going to church was to listen to the Pastor’s interpretation of my favorite Bible passages. I enjoyed comparing their thinking to my theories of what those passages meant AND I went to GIVE. I went to give my money to those less fortunate and to GIVE my time in volunteering with those new to the church. I finally understood that churches are NOT a good venue for my giving. 5. Then there’s the entire tithing issue being out of control. (Favoritism at church and allowing evil behavior at church because of money!- aka Abundant Living Faith Center in El Paso). This mentality is everywhere now. I recently watched YouTube videos by a man who cursed out his audience non stop and then demanded that people pay him $300-$500 (plus going up an additional $100 per month!) for his membership website. He “teaches” his viewers about his end of the world doomsday predictions. 

By the way, this man predicted the end of the world was last Christmas 2018. He scared the feces out of people and then locked some out of the membership site, asking for more money. Yup. He did that to a bunch of folks who followed his videos.  The reason that I mention this guy and his equally nuts partner, who also has a Youtube channel, is because he supposedly bases his “research” on the Bible. A man and his partner who verbally, emotionally and psychologically abuse their Internet audience and then demand constant money payments, for their research, they hide behind the Bible! This is the bulk of the type of people that go to church, in my opinion, in my experience, at the churches that I went to. This woman’s video reminded me of all of this. I wrote a blog about it when it all happened a while ago. However, listening to her reminded me that I needed to make a new blog post about the subject of church and self injury, self abuse, self condemnation and self judgment, all in the name of God. 

Spiritual abuse, self inflicted abuse or if inflicted by church members, is just as nasty as domestic violence. No difference, in my experience. No reason to allow it in my life ever again. 🙏. 

Yes I am beautiful. Yes I am single. Yes I love my God. Yes I love speaking about the Bible. Yes I love to give to my communities. Yes I am a good person. Yes I am happy with my values, morals, and ethical behavior. 

How peaceful my heart is with who I am is all that matters to me now. 🥰

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